Things I Wish I Knew Before Dating

“Like Kintsugi, I have learned that brokenness is not the end—it is the beginning of something more beautiful. My heart, once fractured by pain, is now laced with gold, not because I erased the cracks, but because I embraced them. True healing is not about finding someone to fill the empty spaces; it is about becoming whole on your own. And when two whole souls meet, love is not about repair—it is about creating something entirely new, a masterpiece woven from wisdom, resilience, and the beauty of the journey.”– Steve Hudgins ©2025

Dating is one of those things we all believe we’re prepared for—until we realize we’re not. Looking back, I can see many things I wish I had known before entering relationships. Lessons that could have saved me pain, heartbreak, and even cycles of unhealthy patterns, I would tell my younger self the following:

I never realized how much my early experiences shaped my view of love and relationships. The way I attached—or failed to attach—to caregivers in my childhood created a blueprint for how I chose my partners. Whether I was anxiously attached, fearful, or avoidant, it all played a role in the people I was drawn to and how I showed up in relationships. I wish I had been more aware of these patterns before stepping into love.

2. Childhood Trauma, Including Hospital Stays and a Parent on Deployment, Affected My Relationships

We all carry childhood wounds, but I underestimated just how deeply mine affected me. Moments like being hospitalized as a child or experiencing the absence of a parent due to deployment left emotional scars. At the time, I coped in the ways I knew how, but I didn’t realize how those experiences made me seek certain dynamics in relationships—sometimes to my detriment. Understanding my past has given me clarity about the needs and fears that once drove my choices.

3. Unresolved Trauma Doesn’t Just Disappear—It Spills Into the Next Relationship

I used to think that a breakup meant a fresh start. But the truth is, when I left one relationship without resolving my pain, it snowballed into the next. I carried baggage I hadn’t unpacked, and it played out in ways I didn’t even recognize at the time. I wish I had known that healing isn’t just about moving on—it’s about truly working through the wounds before stepping into something new.

One of the biggest lessons I learned was that relationships aren’t just about my trauma, my healing, or my perspective. The person I was with had her own past, her own wounds, and her own ways of navigating love. When two people with unresolved issues come together, it’s like two storms colliding. I wish I had been more aware of how our pasts intertwined and how that messiness played into our struggles.

After experiencing the repeated cycle of hurt and unhealthy patterns, I finally learned to take a break—a real break. I didn’t jump into another relationship to distract myself. Instead, I took time to reflect, to heal, and to focus on my own personal and professional growth. That sabbatical led me to become a therapist, and now, I’m nearly completing my doctoral degree. The time away from dating was necessary because it allowed me to understand my purpose fully and created a healthier, secure attachment.

One of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned is that healing is my responsibility. It’s not my future partner’s job to fix me, to make up for what I lacked in childhood, or to soothe my unhealed wounds. I’ve realized that I have to do the inner work, to truly heal before inviting someone else into my life. Healing opens your eyes to seeing things in a healthier manner. A healthy relationship starts with a healthy me.

Red flags are not invitations to stay and figure things out. They are warnings. Too often, I ignored my gut feelings and compromised my boundaries in the hopes that things would work out. But when I did that, I set myself up for toxic relationships. Now, I trust my instincts. I listen when something feels off. And I hold firm to my boundaries, knowing that real love respects them.

One of the biggest shifts in my mindset has been understanding that I don’t need or want someone to complete me. I want to meet a whole person, someone who has done their own work and is on their own journey of growth. Together, we won’t be looking for each other to fill voids—we’ll be two whole individuals creating a universe of possibilities, exploring what love and life have to offer without carrying the weight of past wounds.

It has taken me time to realize that love isn’t something to chase—it’s something that finds its way to you when you’re ready. Rushing into relationships for the sake of companionship, validation, or distraction only leads to more pain. It’s in the waiting, in the patience, and in the healing that true love emerges naturally.

After eight years since my divorce, I am finally stepping back into the dating world. I’ve dated some over the years, but this time, it feels different. I’ve learned how to be a whole, confident man—living with Christ and walking by faith. I admit that I’ve contributed to the failings of past relationships, but I don’t carry shame about it. Instead, I carry knowledge, wisdom, and a purpose-driven life dedicated to helping others.

This journey of healing and self-discovery has led me to write a book on blended families—the things I wish I knew before stepping into relationships. I hope my story and the lessons I’ve learned can help others navigate love, relationships, and family dynamics in a healthier way.

For a long time, I thought my heart was shattered beyond repair. The pain, the disappointments, and the betrayals felt like cracks too deep to be fixed. But through healing, I learned to embrace my brokenness—not as something to be ashamed of, but as something to be honored.

I lived in Japan and discovered the Japanese art of Kintsugi, where broken pottery is mended with gold, making the cracks part of the story rather than something to be hidden. In the same way, my heart has been healed—not by erasing the past, but by embracing it. The scars remain, but they are filled with wisdom, grace, and strength. Now, my heart is mixed with gold. It is whole, it is resilient, and it is beautiful because of the journey it has taken.

I wish I had known these things earlier, but I’m grateful for the lessons now. Every experience—good and bad—has shaped the person I am today. If you’re on a similar journey, know this: healing is possible, growth is worth it, and love is best experienced when you are whole, not when you are looking for someone else to complete you.

Take the time. Do the work. And when you’re ready, love will meet you where you are.